Yes, I am aware that I have not written for months. I am sorry and promise to catch up, eventually. Tonight is going to be a rant. A rant that has been in my head for the past 9 1/2 months just waiting to get out.
Everytime I read or hear someone talking about TGIF I gringe. I don’t look forward to Friday. I despise Friday’s. I have actually found myself being in a bad mood when I wake up on Fridays. Fridays have become the beginning of the hardest 3 days of the week for me. I struggle to smile on Fridays. Fridays are supposed to be the day that you prepare yourself for Sabbath. Well, Friday to me at the moment is the prep day for the longest day of the week. Sabbaths to me are not enjoyable. I dread them all week. It is the day that seems to never end. I wish this were not the case but I would be lying if I told you that I look forward to Sabbaths.
I used to look forward to the weekends. It meant seeing friends at church, singing, hearing a sermon, then a good lunch and a relaxing afternoon doing something that I enjoy but don’t get the chance to do during the week. It is supposed to be a time to rejuvinate yourself. Not for this mom. This mom is more exhausted at the end of the Sabbath day then she is at the end of the entire week. I don’t enjoy going to Sabbath school or church. I desperatly want to, but can’t find the energy. I wake up early so that I can at least get a shower before the kids wake up. Then I have to feed both of them, get all 3 of us dressed and out the door to sabbath school. Then I wrestle with the youngest because she wants to cruise the chairs and touch the other kids. Then during church I wrestle with both so that they are quiet and don’t make a mess. Then it is home to a rushed lunch and then naps. By the time naps are over it is close to dinner time and then bed time. There isn’t time to go do anything. Bedtime is so early that I can’t take them with me anywhere and messing up the schedual really makes it worse. So, most Saturday nights I find myself sitting a lone messing around on facebook hoping that there will be someone to talk too.
With all of this comes a realization. Today was horrible. I didn’t get the house clean at all and there are dishes stacked in the sink. It felt like I did nothing but butt heads with my kids. Not only that, today was the start of Hansen not being home for four days straight. I counted down the time for bedtime, knowing that it was also going to be a fight. Bathtime is always difficult when it is 2 vs 1. Someone is always going to get upset. I got frustrated and yelled, which isn’t ok but in the moment was the only thing that my mind could come up with to do. After much crying from all 3 of us, I got 1 in bed and a bottle ready for the 2nd, who at this point had been crying for about 15 minutes. She was up to a full blown scream and then got her bottle. I knew that was what she wanted/needed I just had to have the hands to do it. She snuggled down into my arms and looked up at me with big blue eye’s. Eye’s that were saying thank you. Thank you for feeding me, and loving me. Eye’s that said she loved me even though I had gotten frustrated and not done the dishes today.
As I gazed around the room I realized something. Its not about how clean the house is or if the dishes are washed. Its not about whether I enjoy friday’s or sabbaths. Its about my kids. Its about the hugs, the laughs, the tears and the smiles. Its not about the laundry or the toys strewn across the living room. Its about the giggles in the bathtub and the sound of ‘1,2 4,5,6,8,9,10!!!!!’ screamed as one runs around the house pretending that they are going to fight a fire. It is about the joy on a face when I come into the room to get them out of their crib, or the excitement that is sounded when daddy gets home from work. As I gazed down at my daughter now sleeping in my arms all I could do was cry. I should be so thankful for everything that I have. I have two loving kids that are healthy and happy. I have a hard working, caring, wonderful husband that my kids adore.
I realized that I got stuck in my own head. Stuck so much that I couldn’t see past the fact that the pile of laundry in my room isn’t getting smaller and that my house looks like a hurricane hit it. Getting stuck is something that is becoming a habit for me. A habit that I want to break. I want to be the mom that is thanking God that it is Friday and looking forward to the Sabbath. In order for me to do that I need to stop looking at the ‘bad’ things and look at the house through my kids eye’s. There eye’s are the only ones that I should worry about, because if they start questioning TGIF then, I need look at myself and change the outlook on the week.