TGIF? Really?

Yes, I am aware that I have not written for months.  I am sorry and promise to catch up, eventually.  Tonight is going to be a rant.  A rant that has been in my head for the past 9 1/2 months just waiting to get out.

Everytime I read or hear someone talking about TGIF I gringe.  I don’t look forward to Friday.  I despise Friday’s.  I have actually found myself being in a bad mood when I wake up on Fridays.  Fridays have become the beginning of the hardest 3 days of the week for me.  I struggle to smile on Fridays.  Fridays are supposed to be the day that you prepare yourself for Sabbath.  Well, Friday to me at the moment is the prep day for the longest day of the week.  Sabbaths to me are not enjoyable.  I dread them all week.  It is the day that seems to never end.  I wish this were not the case but I would be lying if I told you that I look forward to Sabbaths.

I used to look forward to the weekends.  It meant seeing friends at church, singing, hearing a sermon, then a good lunch and a relaxing afternoon doing something that I enjoy but don’t get the chance to do during the week.  It is supposed to be a time to rejuvinate yourself.  Not for this mom.  This mom is more exhausted at the end of the Sabbath day then she is at the end of the entire week.  I don’t enjoy going to Sabbath school or church.  I desperatly want to, but can’t find the energy.  I wake up early so that I can at least get a shower before the kids wake up.  Then I have to feed both of them, get all 3 of us dressed and out the door to sabbath school.  Then I wrestle with the youngest because she wants to cruise the chairs and touch the other kids.  Then during church I wrestle with both so that they are quiet and don’t make a mess.  Then it is home to a rushed lunch and then naps.  By the time naps are over it is close to dinner time and then bed time.  There isn’t time to go do anything.  Bedtime is so early that I can’t take them with me anywhere and messing up the schedual really makes it worse.  So, most Saturday nights I find myself sitting a lone messing around on facebook hoping that there will be someone to talk too.

With all of this comes a realization.  Today was horrible.  I didn’t get the house clean at all and there are dishes stacked in the sink.  It felt like I did nothing but butt heads with my kids.  Not only that, today was the start of Hansen not being home for four days straight.  I counted down the time for bedtime, knowing that it was also going to be a fight.  Bathtime is always difficult when it is 2 vs 1.  Someone is always going to get upset.  I got frustrated and yelled, which isn’t ok but in the moment was the only thing that my mind could come up with to do.  After much crying from all 3 of us, I got 1 in bed and a bottle ready for the 2nd, who at this point had been crying for about 15 minutes.  She was up to a full blown scream and then got her bottle.  I knew that was what she wanted/needed I just had to have the hands to do it.  She snuggled down into my arms and looked up at me with big blue eye’s.  Eye’s that were saying thank you.  Thank you for feeding me, and loving me.  Eye’s that said she loved me even though I had gotten frustrated and not done the dishes today.

As I gazed around the room I realized something.  Its not about how clean the house is or if the dishes are washed.  Its not about whether I enjoy friday’s or sabbaths.  Its about my kids.  Its about the hugs, the laughs, the tears and the smiles.  Its not about the laundry or the toys strewn across the living room.  Its about the giggles in the bathtub and the sound of ‘1,2 4,5,6,8,9,10!!!!!’ screamed as one runs around the house pretending that they are going to fight a fire.  It is about the joy on a face when I come into the room to get them out of their crib, or the excitement that is sounded when daddy gets home from work.  As I gazed down at my daughter now sleeping in my arms all I could do was cry.  I should be so thankful for everything that I have.  I have two loving kids that are healthy and happy.  I have a hard working, caring, wonderful husband that my kids adore.

I realized that I got stuck in my own head.  Stuck so much that I couldn’t see past the fact that the pile of laundry in my room isn’t getting smaller and that my house looks like a hurricane hit it.  Getting stuck is something that is becoming a habit for me.  A habit that I want to break.  I want to be the mom that is thanking God that it is Friday and looking forward to the Sabbath.  In order for me to do that I need to stop looking at the ‘bad’ things and look at the house through my kids eye’s.  There eye’s are the only ones that I should worry about, because if they start questioning TGIF then, I need look at myself and change the outlook on the week.

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2 thoughts on “TGIF? Really?

  1. I'm at an interesting place in my life….A questioning place. I grew up in the SDA church. But I'm not sure how I feel about it anymore. I think a lot of the people in the church are wonderful people. And, a lot of people that don't really seem to know GOD. There is a LOT of religious & spiritual abuse that takes place in the church (not just SDA). There is so much mis-representation of God's character. But there are also people that are truly SEEKING and they really seem to KNOW HIM.

    I DON'T believe you have to be SDA to be saved, or to KNOW God. I Don't believe going through the motions is good (anywhere).

    I DO believe God loves us & wants to be our friend. I am drawn to messages like these: http://www.allaboutjesusseminars.org/

    I'm in a questioning, learning phase. Learning how to be kind & loving to myself, to be patient while I grow. And to SEEK HIM.

    All of that…just to say this: If you're hating “date night” with Jesus then stop what you're doing and do something differently. Whatever you need to do for things to stop being a burden or an awful experience. It's not about outward appearances, it's not about checking off anything from a list, or about an attendance record. It's about HIM. Getting to know Him. And Sabbath is for resting from all the day-to-day pressures/stress for REST FAMILY TIME and primarily DATE NIGHT with our Savior.

    Pardon my language here but F#ck feeling guilty. You do the best you can. Allow yourself to receive LOVE & GRACE. Take the time to reconnect, or get to know what Jesus is all about. But really, truly, seriously….you are not alone!

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  2. I hear you! It's so hard to be a Mom. Sometimes we all just need a break. (Sounds like you could use some 1/1 adult time)

    We all have rough days. And seems like we're hard on ourselves. I like what you said about looking at things from the kids perspective. But that's not always easy to do. And too, the kids just can't understand our perspective…so maybe the best thing is a combining of the 2. Our perspective as the Mom (and the knowledge/wisdom that comes with that) taken with viewing the world through the eyes of our children.

    They're not judging you. They just want to be loved. And that's what we want too, you know? Dare I say it's impossible to give what we don't have. So, we (women) gotta take care of ourselves (love, respect, grace, forgiveness) in order to have the capacity to GIVE anything.

    As for Friday/Sabbaths…I hear what you're saying. Sounds rough.

    I guess I'm at a different place. I don't feel pressured by the idea of Friday being “preparation day”. I do try to do some cleaning / picking up but I don't stress about it. Aside from any-day de-cluttering I clean some on Thursday, Friday, & Sunday. My house is often (usually) NOT COMPLETELY clean. Even if it was ever completely clean, you know it doesn't stay that way long.

    Sabbath to me is about rest & family. So we go to Sabbath School sometimes. And we stay home sometimes. Or we go visiting (day trip) on Sabbath.

    My personal experience & perspective is that all of this (the whole thing) is about my personal relationship with Jesus & His work in MY life. So….rules? *shrug* What ARE the rules? Do they matter?

    I wear comfortable clothes to church that I can get down on the floor with my kids, or be able to easily “hold” my toddler when he starts to go into tantrum mode. By comfortable clothes I mean jeans. My kids wear jeans & button up shirts. When I first started going to church that way about 5 years ago it seemed strange & foreign because I had always dressed up before We did it initially to make the other young people that were new to church feel comfortable and accepted because they came to church in casual clothes. Now, we all (young people) still do that and it doesn't bother me. I don't see the problem. And, it's a lot easier for me to deal with the kids.

    I rarely go to the CHURCH part. Even if I do go I don't get much out of the sermon because of having to do so much to manage the kids. (I have 2 boys–18 months apart….oldest is almost 2 1/2 and youngest is almost 1) Our church has Sabbath School 2nd, so if we go we usually go just for that part. (although lately we've been having some issues with Sabbath School so I haven't been going at all)

    Some questions to think about…

    What/Who is Jesus to you? How important do you think religion/traditions of man are?

    Is being an Adventist a cultural thing? Or a spiritual thing?

    A great book I recommend: Imaginary Jesus by Matt Mikalatos

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