The light at the end

This is a post I wrote when the princess was 19 months old. She just turned 3 in April. I have seen a lot of questions about depression across my news feed on Facebook as well as in several mommy groups that I am in. I am hoping that re posting this can help someone else and let them know that there is an end to the darkness.06ec9-27b51ee0c1673dcf2437f2fb5c51473fIt seems like its been forever when in reality it has only been 19 months.  19 months has seemed to drag when in actuality it hasn’t.  These past 19 months have been a struggle on many levels compounded by postpartum depression.  The depression has compounded everything.  Just when I thought I had gotten a handle on it all something would happen and I would be back at the bottom of the black hole.  The bottom was the worst because I couldn’t see a way out.  It felt like everything was pressing me down and I couldn’t find the strength to get past it.  That feeling changed for me today! Today, I could not only see the light but I felt it.

Today progress was made when it comes to my house.  The hardest thing for me to deal with these past months has been the condition of my house.  It was in no way hazardous or dangerous health wise for us but it wasn’t clean.  I would go visit my friends houses that were perfectly clean, come home to mine and question why they could keep their houses clean but I couldn’t.  I would try and be able to keep up with it for a couple days then I would lose the ability to keep up with it and it would go down hill.  The dishes would stack up, a pile of clean clothes would become a mountain, I wouldn’t have the energy to vacuum, sweep or mop.  I would sit down at the end of the day knowing what needed to be done but I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t get myself off the couch to clean the house, which in turn, would make me feel worse and send me back to the bottom of the depression pit. My poor husband and kids have tried so hard to help me and make me feel that it was OK, but it wasn’t OK in my head and the cycle would start all over again.

I feel like, after today maybe, just maybe the cycle is over.  Sitting here by the lit Christmas tree, quiet Christmas music playing I look around at my CLEAN house.  The dishes are ALL done there aren’t even any in the sink!  The floors are swept and vacuumed.  I didn’t mop today but that is OK.  The mountain of laundry was destroyed today! Not only that, I have meals planned for tomorrow and Sunday.  These accomplishments have not been normal lately, but I am extremely happy to see them return!

Writing this has helped me get my thoughts out of my head.  I was crying as I finished the dishes. The tears were of overwhelming happiness.  I was so proud of myself for accomplishing the basic house keeping tasks.  Yes, I am completely aware that this could all go out the window next week, but I am grabbing this victory and basking in the sun that I not only see at the end of the tunnel but I feel it!

To those that are going through postpartum or any kind of depression there is an end.  You might not be able to see the light or even believe that the light is there, but I am here telling you that there is.  The trick is being willing to ask for help.  You can’t fix this on your own, again, I have tried and it doesn’t work.  Even if it is just picking up the phone to call a friend and tell them that you need the help.  That is a huge step in the right direction.  Know that there are people out there to help even if it is just to give you a hug.  I am the master at covering up how I feel on the inside.  Until now most of my friends didn’t know that I have been battling this, and in all reality that is how I wanted it, but that is another post all on its own.

There is healing in letting other people in.  Letting people know that you are vulnerable isn’t easy, but in many cases it is the fastest way to get healing.  My healing came when I admitted that I needed help and reached out to those closest to me.  Those people will never understand how much they helped me.  The light is there you just have to find it.

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6 thoughts on “The light at the end

  1. […] Saying those 3 words is one of the hardest things I have done. It seems to be a bad thing to admit that you are depressed. For some reason we have it in our heads that asking for help makes us weak. It took my wonderful husband pointing out that things weren’t ok and that it was ok for me to ask for help. I didn’t want help. I could do it all on my own. The reality was that I couldn’t do it on my own. I had been trying for 6 months without success, you can read more about that here. […]

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  2. I know what that “hole” feels like! I can totally relate to your post. Thanks for sharing. I had PP depression for 8 months after Little Bee was born and no one can understand except for those who have been there. Hugs!!!

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  3. Thank you for your vulnerability. Its important for people to recognize that something as simple as housework can be overwhelming when you are depressed — or even just in a season of life where you simply don’t have enough energy or time for everything, and I hope your post contributes to some understanding and compassion 🙂

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    • It was so hard for me to realize that it was ok to struggle. It took a counselor telling me that being depressed didn’t make me less of a mom, friend or wife. it didn’t make me bad at anything. It was just my brain having trouble helping me do my job. It helped so much to hear that I was ok and ‘fixable’.

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