It was 9:30 pm, 2 hrs past her bedtime. Hansen had tried, I had tried, Hansen tried again. I could hear the frustration in his voice as he talked to her. I finally went back in and took over. She was so tired she couldn’t keep her eye’s open but she was awake. She didn’t want touched but she didn’t want to be left alone, so I sat by her bed. I told her that I loved her and took her hand as she reached it out to me. I prayed, “Dear Jesus, please hug our little princess. Let her know that you love her and make the monsters go away.” I didn’t know if that was the problem I just knew she was unhappy. She cried and cried, would reach for me but not want picked up. So, I just let her cry, sometimes that is all you can do.
It has been a really long, rushed and stressful last few weeks. So many good things are happening for our family but they are huge changes and the kids aren’t, well if I am honest, I’m not taking the change very gracefully either. I wanted very much to cry with her, but, the tears wouldn’t come. My heart was breaking, I had just said good bye to my best friend that day. Why couldn’t I cry? I needed to relieve the pressure behind my eye’s, let the emotion run out of my heart so I could refocus and get us ready to move. Why couldn’t I cry like my daughter? What was keeping me from crying?
Sometimes, crying needs to happen but your brain won’t let it happen. Crying can be refreshing and cleansing. So much can be washed away by tears. Tears that are falling now. I have held it together for the past 3 weeks while in my head I am screaming that I don’t want to move. I know this move is a good thing. This is the opportunity that I have been praying for. Praying for it for 3 years. Why, when we get it handed to us does my brain scream its wrong? It can’t be wrong!
My tears are letting out the emotions of I can’t do this, I will be alone, I know no one there. I have built an amazing circle of friends here and starting over scares me. Am I strong enough for this change? I must be! God wouldn’t be giving me this new challenge if I couldn’t handle it. He must have something in store that is better then anything here. Not that I think this is possible, but who knows, he always seems to knock me upside the head when I question this. I wonder if he will use a brick again, or maybe the shovel… Even with this assurance, all I can do is cry tonight.
Back to the story I started with. As I was sitting there, just being for the princess, I started to think about how often God has to just let us cry sometimes. It breaks his heart that we cry and can’t be comforted but he knows that the tears can be healing. He has to let us heal and sometimes that healing can only come through tears.